"The dreamer in her Had fallen in love with me and she did not know it. That moment the dreamer in me Fell in love with her and I knew it." - Ted Hughes

just like that

you gotta hear this one song. it will change your life i swear.

...thats what she said. i found 54 unpublished, unwritten old post. and I'm thinking why I never finished it, why i never started it. not much has changed since the last unwritten sentence was scribbled. last night he told her that the worst thing that can happen is that in 6 months they part and she will remember him and he will always remember her. worst that can happen. taste that sentence as I'm writing it. honestly, i think the fact that they will remember each other is pretty bad already. the story he shared with her was cute i must admit; first it was one night stand, he thought she was hot. than he start to think she is different from all the other one night sweeties he used kill wee hours with. he is not sure when he started to love her, he thinks it was when she started to occupy his mind during most random occasions. than one morning he woke up next to her and he knew that he couldn't leave her nor the feeling of her skin. but it wasn't until that sunday morning when she fucked up, that he realized how much he loved her, too much apparently. her story (which she didn't share completely with him) is not bad either; first it was a urge, the boredom in her drove her to him. she didn't know why she needed it, her actions were on auto mode and even if she wanted to stop herself she was not able to. it ran it course naturally and one day she was standing there out on the street crying while he was holding her. she knew even before how much she liked him, loved him but she always needs to fuck things up. boredom knocking on the door again. there are moments she hardly can't remember, there has been simply too many moments. but it wasn't until she started to push herself away from him that he hugged her again although it was tough love. he broke done her old cynical wall for now and asked her to start on a new page. thats when she realized that she doesn't only loved him, she respected him. so what do we do about this little pickle we find us in. where does this story go. i might not follow the easy road up the mountain but i shall keep on going. if i fall down (its not like i had not done that before) than let the pain sip in, don't erase the scars on my soul cause it took me many mistakes to get them. and I'm still here.

a can of worm

i asked juanes today why he think we got together and than he asked me the same thing, i told him that cause i was in love with him. its that simple really. fellatio dropped by my house tuesday night, to hug me - and I'm the one that behaved like an ass. i still think he is playing with me, probably for the big revenge. i think he tricked me, he tricked me into this argument just for his ego to know how much a woman can actually desire him. now that he knows Im bare. he had to ask me if i rmba all the things i said, of course i did stupid, but don't make me repeat it - I'm too embarrassed (yes not ashamed, thanks for the correction handsome).

without knowing it i opened a can of worm. stupid me try to solve one problem by exposing another one. i think i will be alone for the rest of life. i take back that one thing i told you in cab the first night you came back with me, not you but me, I'm the one that will end up there. the gypsy is finally looking clear in her crystal ball and all she can see is herself.

i was reading this article on guardian about the top 5 regrets of the dying. one of them was "I wish I had let myself by happier". my time has not come yet (knock on the wood) but I often find myself being afraid of happiness, or be more exact afraid of missing the happiness one once felt. although i loathe mediocre existence i do everything i can to find myself in some lame bullshit so that i can hug my pillow every night and tell myself; "see how well that went, u managed to push every loving living soul away, and now no one can hurt you!". isn't that swell.

old n silly

big drama happened this wknd. my eyes are still swollen and my face look like it has been run down by a truck. and my heart, my heart is broken. the worst part is that i broke it myself.

Susan got cut by a tray/bucket while at Eden and we ended up at the most shady hospital in town. 5 stitches later and Jules couldn't stand the whole situation and fainted on the dirty dirty floor. it was one of those emergency rooms where they leave the patients dying in the hallway. it smelt like death. Susan is being a trooper thou, you should have seen the cut and all the blood and the "silent hill" hospital.

last night me and fellatio had our first argument and the last one. since i got back from sweden things has moved on fast. sweet moments and and all that love shit u know. last night we went to the F1 after party at Mint and I was sucking face with Philous bestie. Fellatio saw it and made a big drama about it. I never thought I could like Fellatio this much until I felt I was loosing him. Im not his gf but i understand why he was upset the other guidos was there so I guess he lost face. I was fucking wasted and we were outside of Mint arguing until I couldn't take it anymore and just broke down and sobbed like a 12 yr old. I told him I am under enormous pressure from work, my family and than there is him. I am falling for him and I try to do everything to NOT fall in love with him, so maybe thats why I was sucking someone else face. I told him Im used to be alone in this world and I know that we are going to part sooner of later and it fucks me up when thinking about it. I feel like people always expect me to be the strongest one and on the inside Im made of glass, I told him not to tell anyone, its our secret. Im made of glass. My emotional breakdown lasted until this morning. He did come back with me last night and he hold me so tight I couldn't breathe the whole night but I could feel he was already far away. Im so fucked up. He told me he loves me too much and somehow it didn't made me happy, maybe it was the way he looked at me when he said it. And I finally told him that I love him more than he thinks and that there are too many words I wanna say but I can't and he just nodded and told me he understands. I feel like my whole heart has been ripped out. I was lying with my swollen face in my wet pillow this morning and the tears came again, I thought about my work, the responsibility I feel for Julie and why I always screws the most beautiful things up. Suddenly he turns my head to his face and forces me to look into his eyes while he takes my index finger and put it under his eyes and I could feel a tear running down my hand. His tear. He walks out of my door seconds later and when the door closes I knew this is it. I guess Tony was right, I always fuck it up.

born to die

seriously my vjayjay is falling off. need rest for 48h or longer to reestablish the healthiness.

good night n good luck

drive

Now that I am back in Shanghai I can start to reverse whatever detox I tried (FAIL) to do in Sweden. My friend Viv from HK came last thursday to visit me and Jules. She left Sunday morning cause she couldn't handle all the jizz that was happening in my flat. I miss you. I met a nice girl this wnkd, she told me a story about a friend that got banged while she was bending over the dishwasher, I think this is how a successful domestic sexual act should be carried out - with your neighbor opposite practicing her sunday tai chi.

Apparently he missed her. Oh well, she might have missed him as well. Apparently he called and for a second she thought she was on the phone with a dear friend. He told her a couple of times that he loves her and she think she did it as well, their were banging of course when that unfortunate loving happened. The lady politely pointed out to him that he is making love to her and not fucking when the last penetration happened. She needs to find some new boy(s).