old n silly

big drama happened this wknd. my eyes are still swollen and my face look like it has been run down by a truck. and my heart, my heart is broken. the worst part is that i broke it myself.

Susan got cut by a tray/bucket while at Eden and we ended up at the most shady hospital in town. 5 stitches later and Jules couldn't stand the whole situation and fainted on the dirty dirty floor. it was one of those emergency rooms where they leave the patients dying in the hallway. it smelt like death. Susan is being a trooper thou, you should have seen the cut and all the blood and the "silent hill" hospital.

last night me and fellatio had our first argument and the last one. since i got back from sweden things has moved on fast. sweet moments and and all that love shit u know. last night we went to the F1 after party at Mint and I was sucking face with Philous bestie. Fellatio saw it and made a big drama about it. I never thought I could like Fellatio this much until I felt I was loosing him. Im not his gf but i understand why he was upset the other guidos was there so I guess he lost face. I was fucking wasted and we were outside of Mint arguing until I couldn't take it anymore and just broke down and sobbed like a 12 yr old. I told him I am under enormous pressure from work, my family and than there is him. I am falling for him and I try to do everything to NOT fall in love with him, so maybe thats why I was sucking someone else face. I told him Im used to be alone in this world and I know that we are going to part sooner of later and it fucks me up when thinking about it. I feel like people always expect me to be the strongest one and on the inside Im made of glass, I told him not to tell anyone, its our secret. Im made of glass. My emotional breakdown lasted until this morning. He did come back with me last night and he hold me so tight I couldn't breathe the whole night but I could feel he was already far away. Im so fucked up. He told me he loves me too much and somehow it didn't made me happy, maybe it was the way he looked at me when he said it. And I finally told him that I love him more than he thinks and that there are too many words I wanna say but I can't and he just nodded and told me he understands. I feel like my whole heart has been ripped out. I was lying with my swollen face in my wet pillow this morning and the tears came again, I thought about my work, the responsibility I feel for Julie and why I always screws the most beautiful things up. Suddenly he turns my head to his face and forces me to look into his eyes while he takes my index finger and put it under his eyes and I could feel a tear running down my hand. His tear. He walks out of my door seconds later and when the door closes I knew this is it. I guess Tony was right, I always fuck it up.