Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais...

I write cause if I dont´t I think all the stories in my life will break my heart. Serge is singing in the background and nothing seems to calm my soul. I told Juan to go n hustle somewhere else today. He doesnt know about it but Im worried about him, he is back with his old on and off gf. She provides him with intimacy and pills. It´s like Nancy and Sid, without any talent for drama and music. Actually Juan got talent, he is just too numbed to realize it. I wanna tell him yo leave this place called home, home is destructive.

My second cousin commited suicide, he didn´t leave a note. Just a father and us others to sob. I am so angry with him, one permanent solution for a temporary problem. I was not close to him and now I´ll never be. I don´t know how to deal with grief. Nicotine and Caffeine can solve most of my pains, but this one I don´t know. I feel nothing again. Im staring at the almost empty scotch bottle. Maybe I will take a nap.

Monsieur keeps contacting me although Im million miles away. Communication and techonology will one day destroy my life. Actually it has already. He gives me all the happiness in the world but idiots are everywhere. He tells me I arrived too late and I tell him timing is everything and I think he arrived at the perfect time. Double my age, double the pain, double the pleasure. I forbid him to call me the princess. Princess wait for her prince and wonders what the future has for her. I dont wait and I dont wonder. He is everything I wants in a man and everything I hate about a man.