growing up in sthlm i m not familiar what to do on a date or how it should be proceeded. somehow it always feels like a official date if the guy is picking you up with his car, scooter or bike. me personally got dropped off once by a bicycle (major romantic factor), picked up by scooter numerous times and once in a while by taxi. i always imagine myself walking out of my building when getting ready for the night, no skirt if he comes with his scooter, if it is a sportscar than def. forget about the heels. Ever tried getting out of a fast ass car in stiletto, unless u r starring in a 007 movie or dating batman himself, believe me its not a pretty sight when your date needs to literally kick you out of the passenger seat. so much for my unstated elegance.

mr tom ford of china brought me everywhere worth tasting, although i was boycotting the jacuzzi on the topfloor of hyatt I never say no to a good bottle of red wine followed by a another bottle of veuve. ofcourse i had to ghettonize the evening with my junkie flair by rolling up one in the Countach. I told mr tom ford to bring his range rover next time, it is absolutely impossible to get out this muscle car being stoned. He offered me a session with this personal trainer. "Honey it is not the car, it is your abs...or lack of it". Fabulous.

oh my fucking god i have become a ferking boring person

its a age thing. 28 is poking my ass and i dont even feel anything. problably because i have been shagged in the arse by this cruel world too many times.

bring out the big dildo world. im up for a fight. a fight against dullness and life as it is expected.

the end that is actually the beginning

monsieur is asking me what kind of problems i have. i tell him he is one of them, i even gave him a nr. he is my problem nr 1274.

actually i dont like to talk about my problems, dr ong was wrong, talking about your problems doesnt makes it better. it only makes you realize what a troubled soul you are and the fact that you may never solve them. i like to talk about HOW rather than WHY. and at this moment i dont know how to solve problem nr 1274.

i've promised my mother to burn away my ink with laser whenever i decide to become a mum. i think i like to cut life in small pieces, that way it seems more reasonable to live. my biggest problem right now is that i dont think i will ever fall in love again. this problem makes people upset, monsieur thinks im just one of those heartbroken teenagers that cries under my teddybear duvet. if i had a duvet i rather make love on top of it. but i dont have any love to give. he told me one year will heal all my wounds. its been 9 month already and i move so fast I think I am standing still.

im at my grandmas place and i found my old diary from the time when i was modelling in hk. its cute, some random notes about casting locations and what kind of nipple sticker i need to buy i also found this sweet message i left for my than bf Juanes. Besides a heart that looks like its been drawn by a 12 yr old I also expressed my feelings for him by stating that I love him very much and wish that he will not forget me (with me being million miles away). Ofcourse I left out those times I got offered blow backstadge and with tears in my eyes calling my dad from a toilet telling him how exhaustated I was. All the novelty dissapeared withtin 3 month I was away and I felt basically I was on boarding school again, instead of going to bed at 10pm I fell asleep during hair and makeup 5am. Juan, if you are reading this I want you to know that you were the first person I truly loved, although I was foolish and young I meant every (ugly) heart I draw for you.

you are wrong monsieur, im not waiting for prince charming. im waiting for myself.

tomorrow is already today

the first week back in the Hai has been rather jetlagged, drunk and sleepy. monday night simon calls me and makes me dump my date, 2h later he picked me up and handled me a invitation card thick as woodboard. apparently scarlet tjohansson was in town for the moet anniversary party n the night ended up pretty alright besides that some random 50 something taiwanese guy gave me a ride home in his leather smelling sportscar. his friends assured me that it is safer to bum a ride with him than getting in to a shady cab. surprisnginly i didnt feel that cheap.

im still in the search to make girlfriends. a guy told me last night that im a girl with a dudes personality, maybe thats my problem. i just want to find somebody i can share a strawberry milkshake with and maybe swap some hello kitty stickers on sundays.

tuesday is officially the wingwoman day. two 21 yr olds nyu exchange girls dressed in matching colors(not the exiciting ones), 4 bottles of champagne and me lubricating the conversation. exhaustasting? noooooooo
last night vico, law and me were exchanging stories about various weird sexual encounters. but it wasnt later until mr tibet joined us that the grande prize was finally awarded. his whole speech on how the communistic party has spent millions of rmb on teaching pandas how to have a proper intercourse made me wet and I feel so ful of shit right now I think I will just sit in tonight and read anais nin.

03.38

my heart is in a glass jar
a gift, a love gift
itching through the october sky

long for the winter to come
frost of the window we cant see
pain pleases pleasure
but not the pain you caused me

are you knocking on my door again depression?

hello, my name is banana and im staying home on a saturday evening. either im getting mature or im depressed. there u go. we all know which one it is.

back in the hai

i landed yesterday afternoon and 5h later i was sitting in a bar talking to this girl that calls me SBC. im not sure what she meant but I rmba the touch of her skin and how she smelled. alex wants to set me up with this random CBC guy that is a big stockholm fan. mr cbc is totally into me cause i told him we dont date in sweden. mr locksmith left to taipei for 7 days with his mistress, he tells that she is getting married in 1 month and this is her wedding leave. i think this girl got it all figured out already. how come chinese girls are so sassy. i will never get there.

monsieur woke me up at 8.30am to deliver breakfast, what a delivery! he had this "im going to puke" expression on his face everytime he saw my tattoo. since i got myself inked i´ve been having a minor identity crise. its exciting to see how people change their perception of me. so world i would like to take this opportunity to tell you guys that Im still the same person with or without my ink. no tramp stamp, no bad ass. im still the conservative girl who wont give you my toast. so please give me a break and stop telling me how "sad" you are or now im not the same "original" girl anymore. hell the thing is starting to itch and I´ll promise to live more kosher from now on.