I dreamt about smoking and it was wonderful. The birds were singing and I could smell the roses; I am pretty sure it was pale pink roses. It felt so real that even my throat felt raw when I woke up. I remember when I was in Italy last summer and I smoked not too much, less than a pack a day. It was my favorite ones – American Spirit, the colorful pack with a native Indian on the front. One morning I looked into the mirror and I had these horrible rash that looked liked small stone pimples all over my face. The same day I quit, without any patch, spray or gum. Just like that.

I forgot my patch this morning. This resulted in one cup of boiling green tea spilled all over myself, hating some people at work and a stupid pharmacist that insisted on giving me 20min lecture on how to handle my patches. This is even worse than smoking I thought; let me add another patch to my collection, ladies and gentlemen let me introduce the Hope-patch. And let’s say that I will stick that one close to my heart.

What I need is to find a valid reason for not taking up on smoking again, so here are my valid reasons: Better skin, brighter eyes, nicer body, and looking younger. Plus that I am finding it hard to find new places to stick my patches. Well, there is cancer and heart disease and bunch of shit but the shallow ones just works better on me. And for now, anything that keeps me from falling back will have to do. I even pulled a dirty trick on my shrink Dr Ong. I called him today and he actually remembers me! He asked me if I am feeling better now and if I still feel like throwing up now and than. I wanted to tell him that I need him like a whore needs crack, I wanted him to tell me that everything is going to be fine and that it is totally accurate for me to “just have one last cigarette” every time my whole body turns inside out on me…. Yeah, that’s how it feels like. But instead I lied and said that I get anxious when I fly and I am flying off to Europe tomorrow. “Is there any medication for that?” Like I didn’t know what I was asking for, VALIUM Doc, please give me VALIUM. He said that he can give me some Valium and because he wrote out 28 tablets last time (actually it was 5, maybe he was testing me) he will do it again. I just kept my mouth shut and thanked him and told him that I will come and pick it up tomorrow morning. Sweet!