Gunnar Heinsohn
Sons and world power
Survival of the prettiest
måndag 2 oktober 2023
tisdag 26 september 2023
One turns a blind eye when life throws you sexy old french dudes on a electric scooter!
I had a vivid dream about monsiuer. Need to stop letting my post menstrual emotions run my 40 something childless life. When did I become ashamed of my very vulgar engaged mind. Need to reply my shrinks email. Nothing changed besides my shrink is also now OUR shrink. How fucking sad. Atleast you should be happy that he is paying for someone else to listen to you talk about how your neglected childhood has made you into a whore of the decadence and an addict of the vivid. You are depressed cause sex has merely become the act it was meant for. To reprocreate. Not to fill our uselss chaotic meaningless existence with.
Monsieur is turning 67 this year! It seems that math was never my strong side. I was 28 when monsiuer was double my age. What could go wrong when everything felt so fucking awesome. I couldnt help myself but to tell him that I dreamt of him. His answer: I also dream about myself at times. You tell him you miss him, he asks why he did not recieve an invite to the wedding. You comfort him by stating the obvious, that he didn't want to marry you so you had to marry someone.
Alas, my childhood. I was a happy child, until I wasnt anymore. When I was 5 yrs old "they" put me in a so called boarding school for musical trained kids, my parents always like to emphasis "musical" whenever they talk about it. They also make it sound like it was some kind of a gift one couldn't turn down. Mostly my dad likes to joke about it, mum never mentions it anymore. Memories of sorrow sounds too pretentious for a 5 year old but that was the bigger part of my childhood. Sorrow and longing.
I moved to Singapore straight after college in HK, with a man I can only recall that I adored at times. Somehow I always end up loathing them. The men. I cut myself with a dinning knife after a couple of months living there, just to feel something else. I remember when D. asked me about what those scars were, I told him I fell through a fence while playing tennis. Only half of a lie.
Nothing really matters when everything is happening at once. No time to stop to reflect to reliase. If I only could go back to that summer in Shanghai and ride on his whimpy scooter again. So that I can feel our body getting closer everytime it breaks.
tisdag 21 februari 2023
8am
I can't handle peple anymore he told me.
Ive reached a new level of my depression, I am letting my mind eating me up from inside and out. Just lean to it I guess. My very homosexual buddy is coming over with a bottle, maybe he can smash it on my head. I tell him I can't cause tomorrow morning I am meeting my mums very young ginger electrian. 8am sharp. Workingclass men never been hotter. Everyday he drills holes and run cables along mothers kitchen walls, I wonder if he always gets harrassed by married woman who wish their husband was half the man he is. My homo buddy assures me that I always look good although I look like a washed out whore that eats avocado.
lördag 18 februari 2023
ha!
I read all my old posts last night, not feeling sorry for myself one bit. Slighty embarrassed at times. What a life, what a party, what a joyous slut! Let's be honest, my so called "modelling days" in Singapore was as interesting as being stuck in traffic. The rant about being a workoloholic was just me being a narcissist having a 10am psychosis. No men were harmed in the making of this movie. And the proceedings went to my useless heart. Loving him is always easy, loving myself is something else. Wednesday therapy booked.
onsdag 6 mars 2019
All the people living on Södermalm
Jag har tre grannar som är kommunister. En tycker att man ska "systematisk" göra razzia i alla lägenheter och GRÄVA fram alla som hyr ut. Jag hörde henne säga "excel" och kunde inte låta bli att le lite i smyg, och det är ju det som är problemet. Att man ler i smyg. De andra två startade en diskussion om dygden att aldrig förvalta det man har, jo för det är på andras bekostnad. Nej, inte kan de vara kommunister. För kommunister är generösa eller hur? Ordet "Stasi" kom ur mig. Ungefär en gång per månad, oftast på en måndag, blir jag en super hero som kämpar för kapitalism och frihet.
måndag 4 april 2016
he can read me. thats all i thought to myself before hanging up the phone.
After all the pain, resentment, anger and sadness I still remember the magical moments and the foreign smells. How mesmerising it has been. At the same time my head feels like its exploding when he speaks to me.
Gurra snapchatted me his cock. That was fun. It took me 5 minutes talking to him after the awful phone call to feel good about myself again. Gurra is da best. Hashtag hashtag
After all the pain, resentment, anger and sadness I still remember the magical moments and the foreign smells. How mesmerising it has been. At the same time my head feels like its exploding when he speaks to me.
Gurra snapchatted me his cock. That was fun. It took me 5 minutes talking to him after the awful phone call to feel good about myself again. Gurra is da best. Hashtag hashtag
tisdag 9 februari 2016
9 feb 18:43
Been listening to electronic deep house step lounge kind of music from the philippine islands. I am certainly very impressed by this one producer CRWN. Banks during the early 2000´s this is how it might have sound like. Its amazing how much music I have been listening to these past two weeks.
"J. Deckers was a nun. She wrote and sang Dominique and became super famous. She quit being a nun to become a singer but she failed and committed suicide with her gf Anna after going broke in 1985". He wrote down on a piece of paper and folded it into a tiny square.
I am wearing a white dress under a long thick wool blazer, the dress is short but not slut short. I am dancing at a club in HK with Itai, Vivienne is there as well. I am in a red cab on my way to Kowloon, its 7.40am and the sun is coming out. I am in the a red cab, I pull up my legs and rest my heels on the seat. My seatbelt is on. The hat is over my face, and you know that face. The cakey, come down, cigarette kebab face. Yeah thats my face.
George called me at once he heard about what happened last night. Last night was a 2,5h of talk whereof 1h was F. sobbing and saying quite disturbing things. It was awful. How tiresome to see that people are willing to give up everything they stood for, to that they will prove themselves right. I am a monster and I seek discipline in liberty.
"J. Deckers was a nun. She wrote and sang Dominique and became super famous. She quit being a nun to become a singer but she failed and committed suicide with her gf Anna after going broke in 1985". He wrote down on a piece of paper and folded it into a tiny square.
I am wearing a white dress under a long thick wool blazer, the dress is short but not slut short. I am dancing at a club in HK with Itai, Vivienne is there as well. I am in a red cab on my way to Kowloon, its 7.40am and the sun is coming out. I am in the a red cab, I pull up my legs and rest my heels on the seat. My seatbelt is on. The hat is over my face, and you know that face. The cakey, come down, cigarette kebab face. Yeah thats my face.
George called me at once he heard about what happened last night. Last night was a 2,5h of talk whereof 1h was F. sobbing and saying quite disturbing things. It was awful. How tiresome to see that people are willing to give up everything they stood for, to that they will prove themselves right. I am a monster and I seek discipline in liberty.
lördag 6 februari 2016
0% Ego
Philip Glass is playing.
No, I switch to CAN and Halleluwah. Swinging!
I was just on the phone with Gurra talking about what an complete disaster meeting I had this morning. One of those "I must be high on charlie cause that was way too bad to feel this good" meeting. I mean, not only was I all over the room drawing on the whiteboard, having foot dance with the drawers, I also somehow successfully incorporated the sentence "...and I say that with 0% ego" into our conversation. YES, I am a MONSTER. Judge me.
Mother is coming in March, the 6th. I fear her visit with amusement, how little she knows her only child. Does she know about the nights spent in hotels when I am visiting my dad. She doesn't have to know. We all fear to become like our parents, surprisingly our parents fear the same. I know it hurt mother just as much as it makes her content, its like all her poor judgement and failure will be genetically inherited by me. And if that happens I will let it inhabit my mind peacefully.
No, I switch to CAN and Halleluwah. Swinging!
I was just on the phone with Gurra talking about what an complete disaster meeting I had this morning. One of those "I must be high on charlie cause that was way too bad to feel this good" meeting. I mean, not only was I all over the room drawing on the whiteboard, having foot dance with the drawers, I also somehow successfully incorporated the sentence "...and I say that with 0% ego" into our conversation. YES, I am a MONSTER. Judge me.
Mother is coming in March, the 6th. I fear her visit with amusement, how little she knows her only child. Does she know about the nights spent in hotels when I am visiting my dad. She doesn't have to know. We all fear to become like our parents, surprisingly our parents fear the same. I know it hurt mother just as much as it makes her content, its like all her poor judgement and failure will be genetically inherited by me. And if that happens I will let it inhabit my mind peacefully.
fredag 5 februari 2016
Would Zach Braff's character in Garden State have sat through an elaborate hamster funeral if his hostess didn't look like Natalie Portman?
Mayor of the crazy town. People call each other that, thats why Jesse fell in love with Celine. And now he resent her for that. Resentment, thats real love. I do admit I do not posses the most accurate nor healthy aspect of a stable relationship. I am neurotic as fuck and at times a maniac. My families acceptance of my rad behaviour makes me surprisingly more grounded.
I have been doing a lot of thinking since I decided to break up with you. Never have I been so tormented and optimistic at the same time. Why didn't you let me be excessive, unavailable and slap-in-your-face annoying? Everything that you fell in love with, little by little it was being put in the corner behind the curtains. Until there was nothing left of me. Do you know it fels like, not knowing who you are? How do you suffer when you have no feelings left. Time drained all my energy while my own search for the solution consumed me.
I told N. today that George might be dead. What an awful thought! She pointed out how morbid I have become. I am maniac, paranoid, happy and infatuated. Its a powerful cocktail of emotions, like a mental eight ball. Naturally I worked out all the scenarios that might happen (paranoia to rescue).
1. George is dead, I am pregnant. His parents makes a deal with me for me to keep the baby as he is their only child. I admit this does come off a bit dramatic, but you can never take Life for granted!
2. George is dead, I am NOT pregnant. I start a thursday evening support group for people with dead rebounds. The support group becomes successful and get acquired by a shady but financially solid healthcare company.
3. George is alive.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for option 2. Just kidding! How worried I am about my darling George. He is exactly the kind of person that would do something stoopid while being high on various substances. Oh how beastly of George to make me worry like a little girl!
CAN is playing on my spotify, I am googling "What do you call you toxic friend that you do a lot of substances with", you know that one person that you dread to hang out with cause you know two of you are just like Kim Jun Ill and nuclear weapon. You always have the best time of your life but during the come down you can't remember exactly what you did. Everything is blurred but you know you had fun just not knowing why. Or you do know why, its the dust, the capsules, the sheets, the grass. It is whatever we can get our hands on, and how fast we can consume it all. It becomes a competition in how much decadence and indulgence we can squeeze in during 24h, preferable in a foreign city in a another country. How can you live life at its fullest and not being curious about death. Its the ultimate experience, its better than sex or any sex enhancing drug taken during the act of sex. Im starting to sound morbid again. I stop here.
Lets speak of something more lively. Julie gave birth to a beautiful and fat (9,1pounds) baby boy last week!
Lets be morbid again. If George is really dead. Will I be contacted by Dave? His parents? What do I say? Do I go to his funeral? AH! B_R_U_T_A_L
Sayonara.
I have been doing a lot of thinking since I decided to break up with you. Never have I been so tormented and optimistic at the same time. Why didn't you let me be excessive, unavailable and slap-in-your-face annoying? Everything that you fell in love with, little by little it was being put in the corner behind the curtains. Until there was nothing left of me. Do you know it fels like, not knowing who you are? How do you suffer when you have no feelings left. Time drained all my energy while my own search for the solution consumed me.
I told N. today that George might be dead. What an awful thought! She pointed out how morbid I have become. I am maniac, paranoid, happy and infatuated. Its a powerful cocktail of emotions, like a mental eight ball. Naturally I worked out all the scenarios that might happen (paranoia to rescue).
1. George is dead, I am pregnant. His parents makes a deal with me for me to keep the baby as he is their only child. I admit this does come off a bit dramatic, but you can never take Life for granted!
2. George is dead, I am NOT pregnant. I start a thursday evening support group for people with dead rebounds. The support group becomes successful and get acquired by a shady but financially solid healthcare company.
3. George is alive.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for option 2. Just kidding! How worried I am about my darling George. He is exactly the kind of person that would do something stoopid while being high on various substances. Oh how beastly of George to make me worry like a little girl!
CAN is playing on my spotify, I am googling "What do you call you toxic friend that you do a lot of substances with", you know that one person that you dread to hang out with cause you know two of you are just like Kim Jun Ill and nuclear weapon. You always have the best time of your life but during the come down you can't remember exactly what you did. Everything is blurred but you know you had fun just not knowing why. Or you do know why, its the dust, the capsules, the sheets, the grass. It is whatever we can get our hands on, and how fast we can consume it all. It becomes a competition in how much decadence and indulgence we can squeeze in during 24h, preferable in a foreign city in a another country. How can you live life at its fullest and not being curious about death. Its the ultimate experience, its better than sex or any sex enhancing drug taken during the act of sex. Im starting to sound morbid again. I stop here.
Lets speak of something more lively. Julie gave birth to a beautiful and fat (9,1pounds) baby boy last week!
Lets be morbid again. If George is really dead. Will I be contacted by Dave? His parents? What do I say? Do I go to his funeral? AH! B_R_U_T_A_L
Sayonara.
lördag 21 februari 2015
selected works from your old cold heart
"omg I can't watch this! Stopped at "its pulling images from Google Earth". Hey I have an idea: the machine could write out texts on your living room wall. Instead of an alert, you hear the damn thing scribble and you have to walk over and pray it's not rendering the picture of an erect penis, or lurid language. I'd also write an algorithm for the machine to ding the most artistic way to launch itself out the window. I prefer the idea of attaching little paint boots to a pet. or this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP43iCcNYBs"
"I believe it's crucial not to spank solely based on behaviour; the person spanked may come to understand what has to be done in order to receive said hand on ass, and then it becomes mundane role playing. What keeps it interesting is not knowing whether a specific behaviour, be to good or bad, will elicit a reaction"
"it's hard not seeing you. it's so hard, i've decided to join the army. i'll be traveling the world, fixing broken radiators on trucks designed to fix broken light bulbs on air bases. my name will be Harry, Harry Spotme. I'll have a moustache, and I'll name it Sally. It's not like "When Harry Met Sally". In my version, Sally is a whore, and she sits on my face, casually. i really miss talking to you, [my name]. and i miss your stupid sense of humour and your face...I mean the sex. I miss that so much I've decided to become a giraffe. maybe you can become one too and we can leave the city and find a nice tree in the wild to hand around"
"i have to confess: you are correct, except about my age. I'm only about 800 years old. I've forgotten exactly when I was born and it matters little as I'll never die. Birthdays just aren't for me. They're only for those who need to understand the passage of time. I don't bother with such simple-minded, yearly reminders. But I've got plans for you, darling. It's important I send you something so let me know when you can receive a package from New York. In the meantime, if you'd like to know more about me, you should watch Catherine Deneuve, David Bowie and Susan Sarandon in The Hunger"
"I believe it's crucial not to spank solely based on behaviour; the person spanked may come to understand what has to be done in order to receive said hand on ass, and then it becomes mundane role playing. What keeps it interesting is not knowing whether a specific behaviour, be to good or bad, will elicit a reaction"
"it's hard not seeing you. it's so hard, i've decided to join the army. i'll be traveling the world, fixing broken radiators on trucks designed to fix broken light bulbs on air bases. my name will be Harry, Harry Spotme. I'll have a moustache, and I'll name it Sally. It's not like "When Harry Met Sally". In my version, Sally is a whore, and she sits on my face, casually. i really miss talking to you, [my name]. and i miss your stupid sense of humour and your face...I mean the sex. I miss that so much I've decided to become a giraffe. maybe you can become one too and we can leave the city and find a nice tree in the wild to hand around"
"i have to confess: you are correct, except about my age. I'm only about 800 years old. I've forgotten exactly when I was born and it matters little as I'll never die. Birthdays just aren't for me. They're only for those who need to understand the passage of time. I don't bother with such simple-minded, yearly reminders. But I've got plans for you, darling. It's important I send you something so let me know when you can receive a package from New York. In the meantime, if you'd like to know more about me, you should watch Catherine Deneuve, David Bowie and Susan Sarandon in The Hunger"
torsdag 22 maj 2014
it was a hiatus. a forced one. i tried to place my feelings somewhere else, in a foreign place. it didn't work. my heart didn't want to grant my mind the peace. so I'm back here, furious but certain.
during lunch i asked Gabby why rehabs in china are full of expats. He took one look at my glass of wine and shook his head. I still havnt figured out what he meant but I am sure it has something to do with the burning sun or his burning nostrils. i told him that he is like a little brother to me and if he will avoid this bullshit. Later on same night an onion head tells me she is with Gabby. Life is too short to fold fitted sheets. Life is a straight line for him. Simple.
The Woman realised that she is just a mashup of their ex girlfriends. Only a stand-in, a phantom foundation. She didn't know about the curse, about the men, about the women. The wind was blowing in her hair and she was obviously riding the scooter high as a kite.
The truth is the more she loves him the more she needs to love. Her heart doesn't get full and locked away. She got so much love to give.
He doesn't know what is going on, he thinks about her. She knows exactly whats going, she thinks about him. The jury is still out.
fredag 10 januari 2014
söndag 17 november 2013
i have been here before but never enough
i m back. maybe not for long but this city has awaken a part of me that has been hiding because of the fear of living. fear of life could be more mortal than death itself. its been another sunday afternoon spent in complete honesty. like the main character in a mediocre french movie. mingus is playing piano while life is being more surprising than ever. i could barely walk down the townhouse where peanut butter lives, its a clean and modern walkup in the west village. while we were on his rooftop my mind was somewhere in brooklyn, wondering if the band that im not seeing is good enough for you to considering working with them. the fake matisse u gave me make me smile. thank you for the thought. you dont impress me at all, you are entering my world on a golden unicorn. if i only knew there was so much to life, rich yet light.
tisdag 28 augusti 2012
torsdag 9 augusti 2012
there are nine circles in hell
i almost puked this morning in the cab going back home so that i could show the office at 8.30am. i barely rmba how the fck i went from table no 1 n ended up at renminlu. apparently i went to the wrong compound. fapiao thinks that a psychotherapist can fix my lack of direction. i m color blind, not stupid. besides, if any of us had any sense of direction we wouldnt find us in this beautiful mess now. a gps wont save us at this moment. maybe a map, a map showing where the exit sign is. this is not an exit nor an entrance. its limbo. It's like going from nowhere to nowhere. time to raise the bar higher or lower.
tisdag 17 juli 2012
måndag 9 juli 2012
torsdag 5 juli 2012
Siempre me quedara / With Me Always
How to say that the tips of my bones crack into a thousand pieces, that all the plans in my life have crashed now that everything was perfect. And more than that, you brainwashed me and they told me the weight of this tiny body of mine that has become a river of this tiny body of mine that has become a river.
It's hard for me to open the eyes and I do it little by little, should I no longer find you near I'll keep your memory as the best secret, how sweet it was to have you inside.
There's a glimmer of light in this darkness to lend me peace. Time calms everything, the chaos and the calm, time calms everything, the chaos and the calm.
With me always the peaceful voice of the sea, breathing again the rain that will fall over this body and will water the flower that grows inside me, and laughing again and each day a moment to think of you again. The peaceful voice of the sea, in breathing again the rain that will fall over this body and will water the flower that grows inside me, and laughing again and each day a moment to think of you again.
How to say that it splits me in a thousand the tips of my bones, that all the plans in my life have crashed now that everything was perfect. And more than that, you brainwashed me and they told me the weight of this tiny body of mine that has become a river of this tiny body of mine that has become a river.
With me always the peaceful voice of the sea, breathing again the rain that will fall over this body and will water the flower that grows inside me, and laughing again and each day a moment to think of you again. The peaceful voice of the sea, in breathing again the rain that will fall over this body and will water the flower that grows inside me, and laughing again and each day a moment to think of you again.
straight from the heart. and some extend the brain...n lungs
This one goes to Jules. I spent most of my time in my late teens and
early 20s on finding true love, at least thats what I thought I was
doing at the time. The real deal was that I was looking for
self-acceptance, approval and identity. Inside I was insecure and had
a great fear of being lonely. So I jumped from one relationship to
another, all this while searching for myself. Looking back I have
entered many of my relationships out of infatuation, and it was
probably the fear of abandonment and the guilt of obligation that kept
me going. I had the right idea but I often got into and remained in
partnerships for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't say that my freedom has
come yet, however it has become more often that even I would
experience a moment of clarity. I would like to share some of it here,
truthfully without the f-word involved.
1. Ego - Jules is doing her eye-rolling face right at the moment she reads this. This is the reason why I keep stressing the importance of knowing how your own ego functions. Just like material possessions or career achievement, relationships teach our ego a way by identify who we are to the outside world. The most common mistake people nowadays do is that we attach so much of out identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we loose touch with the parts that are logical, wise and conscious. Desperation instead of fulfillment, w/o the relationship or the job, who would we be? Just because it is common to develop a dependency on a habit or a companionship doesn't mean that it is healthy. We all been there, becoming emotionally dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness. I still believe in relationships where the focus should be celebration of love, respect and mutual understanding on a deeper level. However it is easily slipped into a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.
2. Communication - If you don´t tell me, don´t count on me. No guy will know what you want unless you say it. Let me put it this way, if you literally tells someone something and still get ignored, well move on. The problematic part is when we out of desire avoid appearing needy we start to filter what we say. Don't nag just be clear. Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.
3. Compatibility - Being a "nice" person is not enough of a reason for you to put your valuable time on him/her. Deep down everyone is good people. We don't want to date psychopaths or serial killers, being nice just don't make the cut anymore. Nice people don't make good partnerships, bad people can make great couples. You get the point. The best fits are ones where you share the most important values. Life goals that align with each other whether it is about career choices or family plans. Mutual attraction comes easily, but a attraction from a meeting of the minds is hard to find these days. Even if there is a mental attraction we are still stuck if we don't share the same ideas and life paths.
My grandma used to tell me to work hard in order to learn, but the best things in world doesn't come with a struggle - that applies to relationships. Both people must be committed to put respect foremost and make their partnership their common priority whether it is no.1, 2,3 or 4. Common ground needs to be agreed upon if anything should even start. A lot of times when we see clearly that there isn't a great fit we justify staying with that we think is logic. We think we won't find another person and every time we reminded of the bad fit, we brush it under the rug and distract ourselves with rose-colored glasses toward our partner. We are hurting ourselves and our partner when we think we are doing a service. Most importantly we are accumulating bad feelings and energy in ourself when we should be celebrating the real love. Whatever that is. Being with someone shouldn’t be about settling out of a fear that a better fit might not come along. Dating is about identifying the qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and then “going” through as many people as it takes until you find someone who possesses all the important qualities that you need. voila.
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