it was the happiest hour of the happiest day of her entire life and she didn't even know about it.

taka, me and yalle went to the film festival and saw Like Crazy. when yalle first showed me the trailer earlier last week i felt nauseous and could feel my stomach turn; girl meets boy, girl loses visa, girl and boy struggle to maintain intimacy over long distance. I braced myself and finally took the courage and watched it. Panic attacked every five minutes in my red velvet cinema chair, cried during happy scenes, cried during sad scenes, u could have had commercial break during the screening n i would have cried. of course i was thinking about my last relationship where longing became the most essential part of our relationship. we fell in love like crazy, we made love like crazy, we pissed our parents up like crazy, we struggled like crazy. i think we were just crazy. Beauty of young love should come with a warning sign. The heartache it causes is like being hit by a truck over and over again. "being hit by a truck ....but in a good way" thats what I wrote in my first email to him. how life is ironic.

i wanna come clean and stop judging myself. it wasn't me, it wasn't him. it was just not our thing. being crazily in love and being together was the only thing we knew and it was wonderful. everyone should have moments in their life where their daily snapshots looks like a cover of a bod dylan EP. we know what we wanted but we were too eager to get it. and we lost the battle. if the notebook was his favorite movie than this one is mine. see how different we actually are. i will always remember how perfect our body fits together but i don't wanna live the craziness we created between us two - ever again. color my life with the chaos of trouble needs to stop with this one.

I thought I understood it. But I didn't. I knew the smudgeness of it. The eagerness of it. The Idea of it. Of you and me.