to pizza or not to pizza

my last wknd here in swedenland (for this summer) brought me back som hopes about that home could be more than a place where u hang ur head. after last night i dont think my head exist anymore. I cant see myself living here ALONE. I need to get a dog or a husband to keep myself busy with, i wana iron manshirts on sunday mornings while my husband is on his way back from a conference where he fucked some random clerks from the operations department. why cant we all live in one city. im not feeling good, these days i feel like shit but i keep holding my knees up, my panties clean, my bra tight! going strong for what? so that i can live a 9-5 life with drunken wknds followed by another meaningless workweek. no thank you i want a fucked up world where passion is everywhere and penises doesnt come in small packages.

deftones is playing in the backgound and i cant stop thinking about bali, this song reminds of bali and how much i hated being there with aj and when i was standing in the our balinese kitchen making mushrooms shakes for him. my boobs are making a (small) come back and with my now fuller body I never felt more empty. I cant be made of flesh and blood there must be more to it, i might be easy on the eyes but i am not easy on the heart. believe me, im trying hard to become the norm. i fucking wants to define the NORM. my attention disorder is breaking my own heart and others. even my writing nowdays feels like jibberish, like a rebel without a cause. really, that expression is exactly how i feel right now....corny shit u think.
nothing will ever become better, life only consists of small strings of laughs but most of it is only dissappoints and waiting for more sadness or the worst: emptiness.

color my life with the chaos of trouble NOW