i have been here before but never enough

i m back. maybe not for long but this city has awaken a part of me that has been hiding because of the fear of living. fear of life could be more mortal than death itself. its been another sunday afternoon spent in complete honesty. like the main character in a mediocre french movie. mingus is playing piano while life is being more surprising than ever. i could barely walk down the townhouse where peanut butter lives, its a clean and modern walkup in the west village. while we were on his rooftop my mind was somewhere in brooklyn, wondering if the band that im not seeing is good enough for you to considering working with them. the fake matisse u gave me make me smile. thank you for the thought. you dont impress me at all, you are entering my world on a golden unicorn. if i only knew there was so much to life, rich yet light.

when you turn down the robert downey jr look-a-like in shanghai and find urself another downey look-a-like in hk.

there are nine circles in hell

i almost puked this morning in the cab going back home so that i could show the office at 8.30am. i barely rmba how the fck i went from table no 1 n ended up at renminlu. apparently i went to the wrong compound. fapiao thinks that a psychotherapist can fix my lack of direction. i m color blind, not stupid. besides, if any of us had any sense of direction we wouldnt find us in this beautiful mess now. a gps wont save us at this moment. maybe a map, a map showing where the exit sign is. this is not an exit nor an entrance. its limbo. It's like going from nowhere to nowhere. time to raise the bar higher or lower.

on a post-it in his room

“Rather a moment of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”

live like you teach

Siempre me quedara / With Me Always

How to say that the tips of my bones crack into a thousand pieces, that all the plans in my life have crashed now that everything was perfect. And more than that, you brainwashed me and they told me the weight of this tiny body of mine that has become a river of this tiny body of mine that has become a river.

It's hard for me to open the eyes and I do it little by little, should I no longer find you near I'll keep your memory as the best secret, how sweet it was to have you inside.

There's a glimmer of light in this darkness to lend me peace. Time calms everything, the chaos and the calm, time calms everything, the chaos and the calm.

With me always the peaceful voice of the sea, breathing again the rain that will fall over this body and will water the flower that grows inside me, and laughing again and each day a moment to think of you again. The peaceful voice of the sea, in breathing again the rain that will fall over this body and will water the flower that grows inside me, and laughing again and each day a moment to think of you again.

How to say that it splits me in a thousand the tips of my bones, that all the plans in my life have crashed now that everything was perfect. And more than that, you brainwashed me and they told me the weight of this tiny body of mine that has become a river of this tiny body of mine that has become a river.

With me always the peaceful voice of the sea, breathing again the rain that will fall over this body and will water the flower that grows inside me, and laughing again and each day a moment to think of you again. The peaceful voice of the sea, in breathing again the rain that will fall over this body and will water the flower that grows inside me, and laughing again and each day a moment to think of you again.

straight from the heart. and some extend the brain...n lungs

This one goes to Jules. I spent most of my time in my late teens and early 20s on finding true love, at least thats what I thought I was doing at the time. The real deal was that I was looking for self-acceptance, approval and identity. Inside I was insecure and had a great fear of being lonely. So I jumped from one relationship to another, all this while searching for myself. Looking back I have entered many of my relationships out of infatuation, and it was probably the fear of abandonment and the guilt of obligation that kept me going. I had the right idea but I often got into and remained in partnerships for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't say that my freedom has come yet, however it has become more often that even I would experience a moment of clarity. I would like to share some of it here, truthfully without the f-word involved.

1. Ego - Jules is doing her eye-rolling face right at the moment she reads this. This is the reason why I keep stressing the importance of knowing how your own ego functions. Just like material possessions or career achievement, relationships teach our ego a way by identify who we are to the outside world. The most common mistake people nowadays do is that we attach so much of out identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we loose touch with the parts that are logical, wise and conscious. Desperation instead of fulfillment, w/o the relationship or the job, who would we be? Just because it is common to develop a dependency on a habit or a companionship doesn't mean that it is healthy. We all been there, becoming emotionally dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness. I still believe in relationships where the focus should be celebration of love, respect and mutual understanding on a deeper level. However it is easily slipped into a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.

2. Communication - If you don´t tell me, don´t count on me. No guy will know what you want unless you say it. Let me put it this way, if you literally tells someone something and still get ignored, well move on. The problematic part is when we out of desire avoid appearing needy we start to filter what we say. Don't nag just be clear. Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.

3. Compatibility - Being a "nice" person is not enough of a reason for you to put your valuable time on him/her. Deep down everyone is good people. We don't want to date psychopaths or serial killers, being nice just don't make the cut anymore. Nice people don't make good partnerships, bad people can make great couples. You get the point. The best fits are ones where you share the most important values. Life goals that align with each other whether it is about career choices or family plans. Mutual attraction comes easily, but a attraction from a meeting of the minds is hard to find these days. Even if there is a mental attraction we are still stuck if we don't share the same ideas and life paths.

My grandma used to tell me to work hard in order to learn, but the best things in world doesn't come with a struggle - that applies to relationships. Both people must be committed to put respect foremost and make their partnership their common priority whether it is no.1, 2,3 or 4. Common ground needs to be agreed upon if anything should even start. A lot of times when we see clearly that there isn't a great fit we justify staying with that we think is logic. We think we won't find another person and every time we reminded of the bad fit, we brush it under the rug and distract ourselves with rose-colored glasses toward our partner. We are hurting ourselves and our partner when we think we are doing a service. Most importantly we are accumulating bad feelings and energy in ourself when we should be celebrating the real love. Whatever that is. Being with someone shouldn’t be about settling out of a fear that a better fit might not come along. Dating is about identifying the qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and then “going” through as many people as it takes until you find someone who possesses all the important qualities that you need. voila.